"HUMOR-SCOPE" (by Big Bad Bob) (update 5/13/98)

(If you can't laugh at yourself, don't read this)


ARIES:  3/21 to 4/20
You are an arrogant bastard, and think you can push your ideas upon
anyone in your vicinity.  You never let up, and consider God to be
your equal, at best.  Your self-centered outlook on life is only
exceeded by your desire to take whatever you can and exploit it.
Adolph Hitler was an Aries, too.  People think of you as an asshole.


TAURUS:  4/21 to 5/20
You're so practical it makes everyone sick.  If you have kids, they
wish they were someone else's.  You probably have bags of store
coupons, and can recite which ones from memory at a moment's notice.
You are also a 'know it all' and will win ANY argument, even if you
are dead wrong.  People think of you as a pain in the ass.


GEMINI: 5/21 to 6/21
You are one two-faced airhead.  Just try telling the WHOLE truth for
once.  If you've ever started a project, it remains unfinished
someplace in your cluttered garage.  Don't even think about being
practical, except maybe to find ways to keep your wife/husband from
knowing about "him/her".  People think you should be a used car
salesman.


CANCER:  6/22 to 7/22
Bitch bitch bitch, that's all you ever do.  You're like a woman with
permanent PMS.  But if you ARE a woman, you get it twice as bad as
anyone else, but (luckily) without the cramps.  Scorpio women get
them for you.  And don't bother trying to get even with me for saying
this (which I *know* you want to do!).  People think of you as being
worse than their in-laws.


LEO:  7/23 to 8/23
Just who in the HELL do YOU think you ARE, anyway?  King of the world?
Center of the universe?  Who died and left YOU in CHARGE?  And, what
makes you think EVERYONE ELSE wants to listen to YOUR opinion?  Your
flamboyance and luxurious wastefulness is exceeded only by your lack
of ability to pay off your own credit cards.  People think of you as
a PRIMA DONNA.


VIRGO:  8/24 to 9/22
You're so ANAL RETENTIVE, you should spend the rest of your life
auditing tax returns.  And, you probably do.  And if you're not a
vegetarian, you're a "wanna be".  But don't try to convert the rest of
us over (like you're often trying to do) because WE, at least, have a
life.  People think of you as no-life geek.


LIBRA:  9/23 to 10/22
The sign of the 'scales', and for good reason, you fat slob!  Exercise
for you is getting up for another bite to eat.  Instead, you should try
cleaning your house.  Unfortunately, people still think you're sexy,
for no good reason, obviously. Too bad you can't stay married.  Try
getting your head out of the clouds while you're at it.  And, make up
your mind for once.  People think of you as a fat airhead.


SCORPIO:  10/23 to 11/21
NO, you can NOT cry on my shoulder!  Everyone's got SOMEthing bothering
them, but you cry about it so much it seems 100 times worse than it
usually is.  And, if it's REALLY a problem, you won't tell anyone,
because you have to keep it a secret (like everything else).  Don't 
bother hiding it, because most people can find out anyway.  And just
forget about revenge (you're list is too full already).  People think
of you as a whiner.


SAGITARIUS:  11/22 to 12/21
'Serious' is never in your vocabulary, which is probably why you keep
getting fired.  Too bad your co-workers like you, until they have to
clean up the 'mess' you left for them.  Party party party and you
forget you have to pay for it later.  But that's ok, you have CREDIT
CARDS, right?  People think of you with a lampshade on your head.


CAPRICORN:  12/22 to 1/19
You're so busy WORKING, you never have time for anything else.  But,
why would you?  You're lucky you're the boss, because if you weren't,
you might have to work for a SLAVEDRIVER like yourself.  Too bad you
have a lot of money for all of that hard work, because THAT means you
will give it up to your kids as inheritance instead of spending it
yourself.  People think of you as a workaholic.


AQUARIUS:  1/20 to 2/18
Your sign is the worst of two worlds.  On one hand, you're an airheaded
dreamer who can't seem to do anything practical.  On the other hand,
you're a flood of emotional mush with little or no substance.  Yeah, and
maybe you should try telling the TRUTH for once (not just YOUR version
of it!  Oh, well, the ends justify the means, right?).  If you weren't
always trying to change the world to fit your personal ethics, maybe
people would like you.  People think of you as a wacko.


PISCES:  2/19 to 3/20
On the outside, you're attractive, but on the inside you're a cold
fish.  Too bad you learned that early on so that you could manipulate
people into doing what you want, knowing full well you'd never be able
to 'deliver'.  If it weren't for those voices in your head, you'd
never have anyone to talk to.  People think of you as a brown-noser.